


Scars on the Soul, Treated With A Good Dose of Friendship

by IDIC



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Allergies, Caring Bones, Fever, Fever Dreams, Flashbacks, Gen, Hiding Medical Issues, Hurt Jim, Hurt Kirk, Hurt/Comfort, Hyposprays, IDIC (Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations), James T. Kirk Has Issues, Medical Procedures, Medication, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Bones, Protective Spock, Tarsus IV, Trauma, Trust Issues, Vulcan Mind Melds, Worried Leonard McCoy, bedside manners
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-01-09 04:42:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12269121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IDIC/pseuds/IDIC
Summary: One night Jim Kirk shows up at McCoy's doorstep, inviting him for a drink.The evening takes a nosedive a bit later, and Jim struggles to trust Leonard, but what happens strengthens the developing friendship. A story about obstacles lurking in the dark and what it takes for Jim finally open up to his friends.Chapter 6: Jim suffers from a fever and reveals details of his issues to his best friend, who is shocked about what he learns.





	1. Academy days – Early in the friendship - Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just in case someone is out there who doesn't know: This is fanfiction, which basically means I don't own the characters, I just borrow them to play.  
> No copyright infringement intended, no money made and so on.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time Leonard has a glimpse at Jim's issues.

 

 

"What the hell, Jim! Are you drunk?" McCoy greeted Jim. 

It was Friday night and quite late.

"Bit, yeah… Let's go out and have some more," The man on the other side of the open dormitory door huffed.

McCoy hesitated for a moment, but then stepped closer to the figure with the lowered head opposite him.

"How much did you have?"

"I don't know… Three beers…  maybe… four?"

The doctor frowned.

Jim Kirk was usually not this drunk… especially not after a few beer, he also didn't use to do pre-gaming like this on his own.

Which meant he was here not just because he was in search for a drinking buddy.

"Jim?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you feel okay?"

"Yeah. Fine, Bones."

"So what are you doing on my doorstep?"

"You asked me when my birthday was, didn't you?"

"I did," the doctor answered, well aware this had happened months ago and he had been not granted an answer – until now that was. He had not asked because he hadn't known, it was basically Starfleet history. But out of politeness and in order to find out if Jim wanted to actually celebrate it, he had mentioned it a few days before the last birthday.

"Well, today is kind of an anniversary… and some people in my youth told me it should be celebrated _like_ my birthday… Guess they were not too fond of celebrating it on the real date because it was also the day my father died, and that was in general a… gloomy day when it came to my mother… and… although I don't…  Oh, shit… I just…  I'd like to invite you for a drink," the obviously more than tipsy cadet offered.

McCoy just stood there for a moment, staring at him.

"You look like you had enough already…" McCoy started. Then he thought about the exact choice of words the other man had just used. They were kind of odd.

"So what is this anniversary about?"

"Not important. Just go out with me…" Kirk smirked but the doctor could see clear as day it was a blunt try to fake a good mood.

"What happened?" he asked, his medical education kicking in when Jim swayed at bit.

Kirk was not okay.

"Nothing happened! I just wanted to ask you… out… you know. Have a drink, eat something completely unhealthy… We just passed the latest tests and…."

Leonard raised his hands.

"Man, it's the middle of the night… Wait," he interrupted, sensing something was off about the whole situation. "You never…." but then he stopped, realizing that Jim had actually asked him out.

They had been out several times before of course, but this was different. The other man had never gotten drunk on his own _before_ asking him for a night out, they usually did this together.

When Kirk leaned into the doorframe, one elbow resting against it over his head, Leonard finally realized something about this was fucking serious.

"Come in," he offered, it was the only thing he could think of for the moment.

"The party is not waiting… get ready!" Kirk urged him. But he nevertheless sauntered in.

"I am not quite sure I am ready to party," the doctor stepped closer to the other man, watching him closely.

Kirk's expression was neither relaxed nor did it really show he was in a state of proper enjoyment over a leisure night out clubbing – at least to McCoy.

The doctor's eyes narrowed.

"Hey… Why don't you sit down for a moment while I shave and get ready? I'll only take a minute," he pointed towards the old couch he had inherited from the previous tenant of his dorm… or the one before that… or maybe even the one before the one before that.

Some aspect of Leonard was not ready at all to go out but another urged him to keep the man company who had just interrupted his reading session.

For a moment some odd feeling urged him that this was important, before he looked over his shoulder and rolled his eyes.

Kirk was letting himself fall heavily into the old furniture and his gaze went this way and that, scanning the widely used room thoroughly.

Leonard headed for the ensuite but paused at the door, looking back at the man who he barely knew and who had invaded his privacy in quite an endearing manner.

His roommate had just graduated and he was living alone for the moment.

"So, what are your plans for tonight?" he asked while rummaging through his shaving kit for the cream, he liked to do it the old way, neither using a razor nor a product that stopped the hair grow on its own.

"I… I don't know… Do you happen to know a good _place_?" Kirk stammered.

McCoy frowned and hesitated for a moment and then realized the kid was not at all ready to hit the streets tonight.

Probably he was here in fact because he wasn't.

The doctor's thoughts raced, he needed to find an excuse for them to _not_ go out there.

With his face covered in shaving cream – he thought it might be funny -  he stepped out of the ensuite.

"Well, maybe 'The Pier' would be a good choice."

Kirk's gaze rose, but it was emptier than Leonard had feared, his demeanor had changed somehow drastically.

"Really? Why have I've never heard off that bar?" Jim asked.

McCoy was lost for an answer for a moment, but then stepped closer. His medical education kicked in – ferociously.

Jim Kirk's eyes were not focusing right.

His breathing was off.

He was slumped into the seat in a way McCoy found was out of character, he was aware Kirk was probably trying to look cool and in his state overdid it pathetically.

"Jim?" he asked cautiously, but the kid was still trying to grin stupidly.

As long as he did Leonard hat a moment to collect his thoughts.

He hurried into the bathroom and washed off the shaving cream without having shaven.

While doing so his thoughts raced. Something was definitely strange with the kid and this was beyond the usual 'being drunk after a week of heavy training from the academy'. He had been confronted with the usual share of 'cadets celebrating' and this was none of that.

"Jim?" he asked again, stepping back into the room.

Slow eyes rose up to meet his, but the gaze was empty and if Leonard hadn't known better he'd say the man opposite him was drugged somehow.

"You feel bad, don't you?" his medical instinct kicked in.

Kirk evaded his gaze and turned his head away, then opened his mouth but failed to reply.

Leonard stepped closer.

"Hey?"

The only response was a fiercely shaken head.

"Bones?"

"I'm right here."

Kirk seemed frozen for a moment but then shook his head once more.

His breaths had turned to slight panting, which raised a red flag in the doctor's mind.

"Jim? What is happening?"

The other man just shook his head and stared into nothingness.

"Have you taken anything?" The doctor was quite sure Jim wouldn't. The man had hinted that his body was prone to odd reactions to drugs, no matter if medical or recreational.

As expected another shake of the head followed, accompanied by a bright false smile.

This was where Leonard drew the line.

"Kirk?" he addressed the other man when and knelt down in front of him.

Carefully, he touched the back of Jim's hand, to see how he'd tolerate being touched, when no violent reaction came, he wrapped his fingers around the other man's wrist.

Damn, the pulse was racing.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  I've been a very very intense fan of TOS since I was 13… which was over twenty five years ago and I have never dared to write anything when it comes to Star Trek.  
> Although I have – all my life – sought refuge in the Star Trek Novels, I never had the idea of writing… until now.  
> This feels awkward … but like a very very deep desire or my very existence.  
> I am new to this and since this was something pure and existential it will be GEN and careful.  
> Star Trek has always been my escape from PTSD (which I have been suffering since an early age) but I am at a loss about what is happening right now and I will just write on and see where this goes.


	2. Academy days – Early in the friendship - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> McCoy is worried about his friend, but Kirk struggles with his issues and has problems allowing him to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am quite new to the 'alternate movie version' - like in hooked up with it during the past two weeks, therefore there might be some errors.  
> Please tell me if you find any.  
> I am good with TOS facts but would like to do this right.... and I hate doing things incorrect.

 

McCoy was aware Jim had some unvoiced problems with medical treatments, but since they had never talked about it, the only thing he knew was that Kirk tried to keep a rather large distance between himself and anything that had to do with medicine.

Now, McCoy had his fingers carefully wrapped around the other man's wrist, feeling for his pulse and he wasn't fought.

"Jim, look at me."

But his friend was just staring into space, as if watching something only he could see.

The doctor noticed the thin sheen of sweat on his forehead and when he touched the other man's cheek with the back of his hand to check his temperature, he found it was clammy.

"Shit."

Leonard cursed about not having a medical scanner at hand and tried to collect more information.

But he didn't have the chance to use that stillness for long, because just about ten seconds later, something registered in Jim's muddled mind and he flinched hard, as if burned.

Hissing, he jerked his hand out of McCoy's grip.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" he complained, now all false cheerfulness suddenly gone.

"Man, you're kind of spooking me here. What's going on?"

McCoy's voice was gentle and caring and he reached out to rest a soothing hand on his shoulder.

But Kirk had none of it.

"Nothing!" He yelled, "I just came here to have some fun and you are all mother hen and no fun at all."

Kirk tried to stand up, he managed at the second try.

Leonard narrowed his eyes, now in full doctor-mode. He mentally ran through the symptoms and the possible diagnosis.

"I am no fun because you're really behaving odd and I'm trying to decide if I have to drag you to medical to rule out absence seizures or if better just go out with you and watch over you while you are trying to drown some sorrow you don't want to share with me."

"Don't, Bones. I can't…" Kirk slowly moved more and more away from the other man.

"Yes you can. I am your friend," Leonard stated, eyeing him closely.

They were friends, not very close ones, yet, but Leonard liked the younger man and he was ready to be good friends with him.

Also, he was aware of a deeper understanding between them, although they were so different. Kirk, too seemed not to spend much time with other people, he was driven and ambitious, putting a lot of effort into getting through the academy with flying colors and in record time.

"I can't…" Jim almost choked on the words and was struggling to hide his distress about the idea.

"Don't make me steal some truth serum next time I am in the pharmacy to try out on you," the doctor tried to loosen the situation by joking, but it seemed he had said the wrong thing, because Kirks eyes widened and he paled.

"Sorry, sorry! Just joking, man," he hurried to say, raising his hands.

Standing in the middle of the room Kirk's gaze once more shifted to something only he seemed to be able to see. He stared into nothingness with dull eyes for another ten seconds, looking as if just doing that drained him.

That moment Leonard remembered that he had the training med kit in his bag, he had it with him since he had done a house call in the afternoon and hadn't been by medical to return it.

But before he had the time to open it, Kirk had shaken off the spell.

"I'll make you a deal," Kirk's demeanor changed suddenly again, the cheerful mask was back. "Let's go to that 'pier' bar and have a few drinks, then maybe I'll give a very _very_ short overview and we will never talk about it again. Deal?"

McCoy had reflexively hidden the kit behind his back. He was not sure Kirk really meant what he suggested but it was probably the best chance he had to find out what was going on.

::

Two hours and a few beers later Kirk of course tried to make him so drunk and distract him with whatever crossed his mind to not remember to talk about 'it'. McCoy had to remind him several times to tell him about what irked him about the date.

Finally, Kirk gave up struggling against doing so.

"All right," Jim's voice was hoarse and his eyes glassy. He was clearly drunk enough to have lost a lot more of his inhibitions. "Yes, I had a bad day. I am sorry I am in a crappy mood."

He hesitated for a moment, obviously struggling to admit it.

"And in general I don't want to talk about it, but I'll share this much with you…" he took a deep breath before he continued.

"I had a very bad time in my early teens and when I came out alive, someone had the hilarious idea to declare it as something worth celebrating - yearly. I hated it. And that's all I will ever say about it. Don't waste any time on trying to research this, it' not in my file."

McCoy was a bit shocked about the sudden emotionless deliverance of what sounded quite severe, and the strange circumstances that a thing that had this much impact on Kirk's life had somehow been erased or never filed.

It all made little sense.

"Jim, I… Were you sick? Is that why you hate medical things?"

"No more."

"Hey, if you had severe health issues and it is not in your file you need someone who knows about that medical history personally, to prevent things going to hell in the future."

"It's pretty simple, Bones. No meds, no sickbay, no doctors and _beware_ of the allergies."

"Did you almost die because of your allergies? Dammit, Jim, you need to _tell_ me."

"Enough," the word was pressed out through gritted teeth and the doctor saw that Jim's hand had started to shake slightly.

Kirk had noticed, too and immediately tried to hide it. He reached for his glass and gulped down the second half of his beer in one go, then raised his hand for the barkeep and pointed towards his empty glass.

Leonard blew out air through his mouth, understanding that whatever had happened to his friend in his youth had traumatized him. And he was very well aware that trying to make him talk about it and dig up those memories would probably backfire – especially while drunk and in an unsafe environment. Kirk was so clammed up about it McCoy wondered if he had _ever_ talked about it.

He understood the date was more a reminder of bad times than a reason to celebrate for Kirk, and that what little was left of his family had not done him any good by declaring it a day to be happy.

With this new background knowledge McCoy diagnosed that whatever had happened had left scars on his friend's soul that were still sore, probably because they never had the chance to heal.

Another pair of full glasses appeared in front of them and Kirk raised his.

"To the only doctor I can stand having around," he said, much to Leonard's surprise, and he knew that tonight had brought their friendship to a new, a bit more intimate level.

He grinned and raised his own glass.

::

An hour later, they were laughing and sharing experiences about former roomies.

"God, you know, I wish I could get rid of my current one, he's the worst I ever had, I think. I mean I don't expect much, but he keeps me constantly on guard and expect _something_ to happen. He loves practical jokes and I seem to be his favorite target. Last week I came home from training and fell into bed, and 'someone' had put several bowls of cold soup under my cover. It was such a mess. I had to ask the quartermaster for a new mattress, who of course didn't believe a thing and I was given quite told off by the man – as well as a note in my file. Maybe it was a hint that he wishes me gone."

"Eurgh."

"Another time, he messed up my schedule so I was late for every single training that day – until I figured it out, that was."

"That sounds as if sooner or later your studies will be affected," McCoy made an overly horrified face.

"Already are. Well, I surely wish he'd move out. But I fear I'll be stuck with him, he is an upperclassman, but he still has at least one more year to go."

"Hey, why don't you ask for a transfer? My roommate has graduated and I would surely prefer having you there than some party hungry first year."

Kirk paused, looking at him intensely.

"You mean that?"

"Of course. Why the hell wouldn't I say it if I don't mean it?"

Jim needed a moment to wrap his wasted mind around it.

He was well aware that the issues and the nightmares he sometimes suffered would be even harder to hide with McCoy than with anybody else.

On the other hand, his current roommate finding out about them, using them to play tricks on him - or worse, put them on display to make fun of him - would be disastrous.

Since recently the jokes had become slightly meaner he assumed sharing a room with Finnegan would get worse instead of better over time.

He thought about it and realized that he feared that there would be situations in which Bones might get all medical on him and that he'd need an escape plan for those occasions, but otherwise it could be fun.

They were both focused on their studies and McCoy was in general a good mannered mate, although grumpy at times.

"Just go to the quartermaster, make the request – you know my room number – and move in. I think we'll get along," Leonard encouraged him.

A moment later Kirk had made a decision and they chinked glasses to that.

Jim would do it the first thing tomorrow.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soon, Kirk's issues will become more urgent and McCoy will throw being careful over board when Jim's life is in danger. Epic friendship ahead, brace for impact.  
> Constructive criticism welcome. Please give me some feedback.


	3. Academy days – Training accident – Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kirk's issues become more urgent and McCoy throws being careful over board when Jim's physical and mental health is in danger.

 

"Someone call medical!" a voice boomed through the outdoor training grounds of Starfleet Academy.

"Hold on," Leonard turned to the cadet paired with him to train with. He tried to peek through the thick vegetation that was supposed to make the exercise more 'life like' to see who had yelled for help.

Since he couldn't see more than three or four meters ahead he just stormed off into the direction of the caller.

It took him only a moment to find the cadet.

One was a bulky man almost two feet taller than Leonard, who's skin was a mixture of rocky and scaly and with him was Kirk, who was currently standing leaned over, his hands on his knees and not looking up.

It was clear there was something wrong.

"I am a doctor, what happened?"

"He is hurt," came the grinding answer from the large man besides Kirk.

"Where?" McCoy stepped closer to his friend, trying to see.

Kirk just frantically shook his head, not looking up.

But a moment later the doctor had spotted the problem, a small blunt training knife was protruding from Kirk's left thigh.

Although painful it was in a position that might be described as a lucky one. Nowhere near any major blood vessels, nerves, or the bone.

"Let me see. Sit down," Leonard ordered sharply.

Once more his friend shook his head, not moving at all to follow orders.

"Damnit Jim! Sit down!"

To McCoy's utter horror, his friend then straightened up a bit, grabbed the hilt of the knife, jerked it out and while he moved backwards, away from them, pressed his flat hand against the wound.

"You idiot, stop that!" McCoy reached for him, trying to kneel down in front of him to inspect the wound, but Jim made another step back.

When their gazes met the doctor saw Kirk's face was not a grimace of pain as he had expected but a mask of cold control… at last he thought that in the first moment.

Then he realized Kirk looked as if he was either about to run or fight for his life.

"Don't move!" Leonard barked. "How can you be so stupid! Every first year cadet is taught not to pull something out of a wound without a plan how to stench the bleeding. Are you nuts?"

He made another step towards his friend, whose breathing had started to speed up.

And Kirk made another step back, ducking down, getting ready to react.

When the shock about the fact that he had just ripped out the knife abated, Leonard finally saw that there was no recognition in his friend's eyes.

They only thing they showed were an alarming kind of panicky emptiness.

The doctor's worry raised up a notch - or two.

He was probably only still on his feet because of the adrenaline pumping really hard at the moment.

By now the trainer had arrived with another medic in tow.

McCoy gestured them to stay back, and the other cadet backed off as well.

Kirk even more looked like a cornered animal now, his gaze going here and there, looking for an escape route. Also, his breathing was slowly turning from elevated to downright panting.

"Jim? Come on, kid. It's me, McCoy. I want to help you."

While he slowly closed up to his friend, he continued to talk.

"Come back to me. We are at Starfleet Academy, in the training grounds. I am Leonard McCoy and I want to help you."

He made another careful step towards his friend. Kirk finally reacted by getting out of his hunched stance and raising a hand, using the universal sign to signal: stop right there.

But he didn't look up.

Leonard made a few steps back, understanding there was little use to try it like this. He went back to the coach and the waiting medic, and demanded his med kit.

The man was not forthcoming and McCoy had to tell him why whatever had to happened had to go _his_ way and been done by _him_.

After a brief discussion the trainer finally agreed and ordered the medic to hand over his the kit.

Leonard took out a hypospray and carefully programmed it to release either allergic sensitive tranquilizers or painkillers. Kirk had mentioned his allergies might be a real problem earlier and from what he had said, the doctor had understood that included odd reaction to medication. Therefore he would not administer two meds at once. But at the moment a painkiller seemed to be the least important.

Although, Leonard was very aware that this could not go on like that any longer.

As if to underline that fact, he heard Jim's breathing become more and more labored in the distance.

Walking fast he moved over to the other man, who now leaned against a trunk, carefully watching them.

"Do you know who I am?" the doctor asked.

Kirk blinked forcefully several times, then seemed to be shaken out of his stupor by the familiar voice.

"Yeah," he panted.

"You are hurt. You need to let me have a look at that."

"Just you. No hospital!"

"Okay, just me," McCoy replied, well aware that this might just need one treatments with a protoplaser but it might as well need several, or in addition a few hours in a bioregenerative field. But to ascertain what was indicated he needed to do a full scan, which he could only get at Starfleet medical.

He stepped closer to Kirk, who looked as if he was fighting his fight of flight response in earnest.

"Man, what's happening?" McCoy aimed at what has Jim so spooked and was the more surprised when Kirk actually answered.

"Can't breathe," it was little more than a huff.

Leonard waved the medical scanner over him slowly and saw that Jim followed the movement of the device with gritted teeth.

At first he had thought this was just something like a bit of a shock about the injury, but when he checked the readings he realized with horror, that Jim's body chemistry was out of whack, indicating a major anxiety attack was imminent.

"It's alright. Hang in there, Jim. How the hell did you manage to get that knife into your thigh in the first place? Those are supposed to be kind of blunt."

"I wished… it wasn't that blunt… actually. Would've hurt less… if it was. Fell onto it… body weight was enough to…"

"Right, I get it. Do you happen to know which painkiller you are _not_ allergic to?"

"Yes, but I don't want it!"

Kirk's panic seemed now forcefully and carefully hidden, but McCoy knew him well enough to notice that the mentioning of the topic worsened it.

The scanner showed the same, the readings told the doctor that his patient was on the brink of a major panic attack and McCoy was really astonished about how well Kirk managed to keep it in check… or mask it.

"Easy, I got it. How bad is the pain?"

"Manageable. I've had worse."

McCoy looked into his eyes; the lines of tension and pain in the kid's face were clearly visible, but only for someone who knew him well.

"I need you to sit down, man. Put a bandage on that…" Leonard tried to use interaction to calm the patient.

"No, do it here. Use the dermal regenerator and fix it _here_ ," Jim demanded.

"We'll see if that is possible, but you need to sit down first!" Leonard urged and grabbed Kirk under the arm, guiding him down.

It was a sign of how much Kirk trusted him that he actually went with it, but Leonard's scanner picked up the rising blood pressure and distress it caused.

Once he was seated, the doctor widened the cut in the trouser's leg a bit, wrapped open a package of sterile gauze and covered the wound with it, all while the other man watched his every move.

"I think you really need a painkiller, kid," he tried again, "Do you know which one is okay?"

Kirk shook his head.

Leonard would not risk giving him something that wasn't absolutely necessary, but wanted the information nevertheless.

The kid was bleeding and had just suffered an episode of dissociation… or maybe even a flashback to something really bad that had happened to him.

"Why the hell did you rip out the bloody knife, Jim? I think your first aid lessons should have been very clear that this is the last thing you do when something is embedded in your body."

"I did?" Kirk looked at him, a bit flabbergasted, then looked down at the wound.

"Oh…"

"You don't even remember, do you?"

"No?" Kirk admitted. "But running with it in would have been a bad idea, too…"

"So you remember you were considering _running_?"

"No, just stating the logical path of action."

"Oh, so running away from medical staff is the logical path of action when wounded? In what haywired universe does that make sense?"

Kirk frowned.

"Accepting some painkiller and getting to medical, that is the logical path of action," he added in his best doctor-tone. By now the kid should be back to normal enough to see reason.

But he was disappointed.

"NO!" Kirk shrieked back physically from him a bit, but didn't get far, McCoy wrapped his hand around his upper arm to hold him in place.

"Let me go," Jim urged, the panic rising again.

At that moment Leonard realized this went way deeper than he had thought. Something had definitely _deeply_ traumatized the kid, this was not about being squeamish or afraid of needles or something from a childhood sickness.

Leonard reacted within a moment, deciding this had gone far enough.

As swiftly as he could, he moved his hand into the kit, fetched the hypo and raised it behind Kirk's back.

Then he pressed it over the vein in his neck, releasing the medication into the bloodstream.

Kirk gasped, horrified, and the utter panic and bewildered betrayal that were in his blue eyes made Leonard clench his teeth.

"It's okay, kid… You're gonna be okay," he soothed, aware the tranquilizer would knock his friend out within seconds.

He let the hypospray fall to the ground, opened his hand wide to be ready to catch Kirk's head the moment the other man would lose control over his body.

"No…" Kirk fought to stay upright, but lost the battle after some long seconds.

His gaze went distant and Leonard caught his sagging body when he fell back.

"Sorry kid, but your blood pressure was going through the roof. I'll give you something to block the memories of this later…"

He carefully lowered his unconscious friend to the ground and scanned him to make sure there was no allergic reaction.

The moment he was satisfied that there seemed to be none Leonard pulled out his communicator, ordered an emergency transfer to Starfleet medical and winked the medic to come over.

 


	4. Academy days – Training accident – Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kirk wakes up after the training accident and it doesn't go as McCoy had expected.

 

 

Leonard was anxiously waiting for the moment Kirk woke up.

Just that he didn't. The kid took his damn time.

It was getting dark in the single bed hospital room at Starfleet Medical.

After eight hours of what seemed very deep sleep the doctor became worried.

McCoy sat down next to Kirk's bed.

They had fixed the whole in his leg in no time. It hadn't been a dangerous wound to begin with. Kirk had of course lost some blood, but they had easily replaced it with IV fluids within half an hour.

While he was at it, he had given Kirk a once over and the results had left McCoy with worry.

It seemed his friend had suffered quite a few broken bones in his life. And although they had kind of been set, it hadn't been done properly.

The scans showed Kirk had suffered through an episode of severe malnutrition in his youth, which added to the problems. His bones were not as rugged as they should be.

Also, there were scars.

A lot of scars. The kind of scars that came from untreated wounds.

From what Leonard saw he suspected Jim had been physically abused in his youth.

Staring at his friend's slack face, he was wondered if this was what Jim hadn't wanted to talk about. And if the fact that he didn't want to go to medical was due to the fact that he feared McCoy would find out any of this and would start asking questions.

But the longer Leonard thought about it, the more he doubted that this was the only reason.

Kirk suffered from some odd allurement when it came to fistfights, having been beaten in his youth probably had to do with it, but it surely wasn't the reason Jim had freaked out as he had a few hours ago… and the reason for avoiding medical as if it was a pestilence.

McCoy had done a lot keep what had really happened on the training grounds from going into Jim's files. An entry like PTSD could ruin Kirk's career before it even had really begun and the kid deserved a chance.

Even panic attacks would not look good in his files, and him freaking out in distressing situations was overall quite a deal breaker.

On the other hand, they needed to get a grip on this, because Kirk freaking out in a dangerous situation was actually a no go, no matter if Starfleet knew about it or not.  

To avoid that his friend would freak out the moment he woke up, Leonard had taken a few precautions.

He had removed all the medical cupboards that ran on rollers as well as all the medical machinery that wasn't necessary. He had fetched Kirk's bedspread from his room and instead of allowing the nurses to clad him in one of the patient's robes, he had supplied them with a pajama, explaining he was allergic to the detergent.

In order to keep Jim relaxed and docile during and after waking up he had given his friend an anxiolytic drugs.

The thing was he wasn't waking up.

Two hours ago, he had quite a discussion with a senior staff member, who thought that a doctor who was still in cadet training shouldn't be the one treating Kirk.

Not knowing how else to keep the issues under wraps he had called Captain Pike, who was noted as Kirk's emergency contact. One of the few entries the file contained at all.

Before Leonard hadn't even really started to explain what had happened, Pike had assured him he'd make sure McCoy was the only one to treat him and that all he deemed necessary would be taken care of.

The lack of surprise and instant understanding on Pike's side had hit Leonard like a brick wall the moment he realized it meant that Pike was well aware of the issues.

The doctor was a bit unsettled about that fact.

When the Captain had also told him he'd come by as soon as possible the doctor was very surprised, again. He had thought their relationship was quite superficial, but this sounded different.

 

For one ridiculous moment Leonard considered smuggling Kirk out of medical before he woke up. Technically, Kirk was healed and free to go, as soon as he woke up. Thing was they couldn't release him without him being conscious.

When he was honest with himself, he was afraid Kirk would wake up and make a scene, would foil Leonard hiding the incident skillfully from the files by completely freaking out.

Keeping the auto log of the hypospray to automatically update the file about which meds the patient had been given had been a bit of a challenge, not preventing the thing from happening, but  to make it look like it was malfunctioning if anyone checked. He didn't want them to know he had given Kirk psychotropic drugs.

Whenever a nurse stepped in Leonard hoped Jim wouldn't wake up and freak out while she was in the room.

So he stiffened, when he heard the door open behind his back once more.

To his relief he noticed it was Pike. They had met before, but never talked.

"How is he doing? And cut the crap, I want to know all of it. I've read the file you updated and there must be things missing, that is not the Jim Kirk I know when it comes to medical treatments."

After a brief moment of speechlessness, Leonard started describing everything that had happened.

"So, he didn't tell you?"

"Tell me what?" McCoy's anger rose and he had to bite his tongue to keep his voice low.

"I can't tell you, son. If he didn't, I can't."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" the doctor hissed, now really frustrated.

"I suggest, you go to the nurses and inform them the patient has woken up and they need to prepare the paperwork for releasing him."

Leonard needed a moment to understand what Pike was suggesting.

"But, they'll come in and check on him… they have to, it's their duty."

"Then provide what they need to check, hand it over to them the moment you ask for the release papers. If they come in, I tell them he just fell asleep again," Pike gave him a keen look, the doctor hadn't expected from the man.

While McCoy just stood there for a moment, trying to sort out how to actually do this, Pike stepped over to Kirk's bed and smoothed down Jim's hair that was standing up in all directions.

"Son, you better wake up now," he said in a low and calming voice, resting his hand on top of Jim's head for a moment.

McCoy felt as if he was intruding something and suddenly realized how little he really knew about his friend. He felt like an outsider in other people's lives, no longer as if he was attending his best friend.

Whatever fiasco had happened in Kirk's life, it left Pike as worried as him.

Although reluctant to leave, he saw the necessity to have the paperwork ready because they might need to leave fast, so he headed to the nurse's station and handed over the patient's PADD with the request to prepare the discharge papers.

Five minutes later, he was back in Kirk's room, armed with another freshly refilled hypospray.

He found Pike leaning on the bed, talking to Jim in a low voice about his day.

When Pike noticed him, he stated, "I think he is slowly coming to."

The doctor watched the large screen that displayed Kirk's vitals and found they were indeed displaying graphs and numbers that indicated a return to consciousness.

Leonard's alarms started ringing, and then, a few moments later, Jim opened his eyes.

McCoy held his breath.

The doctor could basically see the understanding about where he was and what had happened hit Jim's awareness, hard.

His jaw tensed, as did the rest of his body.

The doctor had the hypospray ready.

But instead of freaking out, Jim briefly closed his eyes again, taking a deep stuttering breath.

Leonard anxiously watched the vital signs on the screen.

The blood pressure climbed up dangerously, as did the pulse. But other than the tense muscles and a controlled breathing nothing was visible on Kirk's outside. His face was a mask of forced neutrality.

"You know what happened?" Pike asked him.

Kirk's eyes narrowed and he eyed Leonard coolly, "Yes," he hissed.

"Good. Now get your butt out of bed, we need to get you home," Pike said, no nonsense.

"Home? I will not go to Iowa," Jim echoed.

"To your dorm room," Pike added. "Gee, you're not really awake, are you?"

"I feel odd," Kirk complained.

But there was no freaking out, and no visible panic, although McCoy saw from the readings that the anxiety was building. But his amazement, his friend was able to hide it like he had never seen anyone do it before.

"The nurse will be over with your discharge papers. Just so you know, you're signing out AMA, surrendering into my care," Leonard informed him, giving him a stern look.

Kirk sat up slowly, looking down on himself.

"Who dressed me?"

"A very cute blonde nurse and her trainee," McCoy tried to lighten the mood.

"How long…?"

Kirk was interrupted by the door opening, a petite blonde nurse stepping in.

"Nice to see you awake and well, Cadet Kirk. This is your paperwork," she handed over an envelope. "Hope you have an easy recovery, good night."

She was out again only seconds later.

"Oh, she _is_ cute," Kirk agreed, but it didn't escape the doctor's medical eyes that his friend had tensed up even more the moment she stepped in, and his heartbeat was way too fast now. Discretely, Leonard switched off the monitors.

"Will you be able to make it to your room?" Pike asked, eyeing the beads of sweat that were forming on Jim's brow.

Kirk nodded, and spoke through clenched teeth, "Just get me out of here."

 

It was the middle of the night and the rooming house was luckily quite deserted by the time they got there.

Outside the door, Pike said his goodbyes and told Leonard to call him if they needed anything, which Jim was exasperated to hear. He staggered into the room, waving over his shoulder.

"He's totally spent. Don't take it personally," McCoy tried to ease the situation.

"I know. I mean it, whatever happens, if you need anything. Call. No matter what time of night… And doctor… he will be pissed, be prepared to ignore it."

"Alright," Leonard agreed, still a bit stunned about the downright protectiveness Pike displayed.

Half an hour later, Jim was still neither obviously pissed, nor angry… at least he took care to deliberately hide it if he was. He completely ignored his friend and the whole thing while he made himself a sandwich and switched on the news.

"Jim, for god's sake, you can't ignore this! We need to talk about this!"

"No."

"Man, at least yell at me for knocking you out?" Leonard bluntly threw everything he had into the conversation. The tensing he had been in all day was taking its toll.

Keeping it all under wraps was not healthy.  

"I am not angry. I am disappointed you went against my wishes," Kirk said calmly.

That hit harder than obvious anger could have.

Leonard closed his eyes briefly, trying to keep his temper in control.

"But I understand why you decided to do it and that's it," Jim added tiredly.

"So, you think you can just sweep what happened today under the damn carpet?"

"There is nothing to talk about… and I need some sleep," Kirk shuffled towards his bedroom door.

Leonard decided to let things cool down a bit and address it again later. Kirk was a stubborn sonofabitch and pushing him would only result in him resisting even more.

Although Jim had slept all day, he did in fact look like shit and tired beyond words.

They went to bed without exchanging more words.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Constructive criticism welcome.


	5. Academy days 2 - Finnegan (Part 1 of 4)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> McCoy is having a hard night when Jim suffers from what seems to be a migraine at first but then turns into something more stressful for both of them.

 

Of course, Leonard tried to talk to his best friend about the training accident but whenever he tried, Jim either got really pissed or ran away.

Right after the latest try, he drunk himself into a stupor, which made Leonard realize, that whatever it was, Jim must still be suffering from it quite a lot. And the pressure the doctor was adding was too much for him to handle.

Nevertheless, the necessity to find a solution for this issue stayed when it came to Leonard and it wouldn't go away by ignoring it. He feared that sooner or later it would lead to a bad big bang if not intercepted soon.

::

A few weeks after the incident, they met for lunch and the doctor immediately spotted that his friend was struggling with something – besides the mild flu he had been suffering for the past ten hours.

"Tell me what happened!" Leonard demanded without introduction the moment they sat down in front of their filled lunch trays.

"Finnegan.*"

"What? That idiot still having it in for you? What did he do this time?"

Kirk just shook his head, eyes closed. He looked very tired and pale.

"Come on. What?" Leonard urged.

"Never mind."

"Jim, I swear to god, if you don't tell me I will drag you to medical and examine you until I find out!"

A moment too late, McCoy realized that this hit the target heavier than he had hoped for. But his patience had come to an end. Kirk was sick and refusing meds and now something had happened he was closed up about, and it involved that moron of an upper classman Finnegan – again.

During the past weeks Leonard had made more startling observations when it came to Jim Kirk and medical things. It had driven McCoy mad when Jim had bandaged a sprained wrist himself instead of going to medical (or coming to him) after a gone wrong hand to hand training session.

They touched leisurely as friends, but on the few recent occasions when McCoy had tried to touch him as a medical man, Jim had either retreated or shown signs of tenseness, slight aggression, dismissal or anger. The carefully hidden distress was always present.

Of course Jim's reluctance to be treated had been a reason for teasing for some time, partially because the doctor tried to tickle some more information about his issues out of him the funny and nice way, right after finding out addressing it directly hadn't worked.

This time the threat worked – way too good and the doctor realized his tone must have been quite threatening. He immediately felt bad for having used it.

"Okay, okay," the suddenly even paler man opposite him stammered. "He locked me in the training chamber for foreign environments… You know, the one that simulates other planets so you know what to expect… And filled it with something like squishy tennis balls. I needed two hours to get out. He had deactivated the voice controls."

"Sounds awkward."

"It was."

"Alright. What is it about this that you are not telling me?"

"That's it!" Jim protested.

"Were you hurt?"

"No. Just a bruised ego. But I guess I have quite a few actual bruises from trying to move through those… things."

Immediately, Leonard was aware that Jim tried to offer him a half-truth so that he'd let it go.

"What did it to you, being in there?" Leonard wasn't fooled, he had just started another round of psychology lessons and it was paying off.

"It was fine. I was just annoyed… Finnegan's an asshole."

"He is… Did it stress you out?"

"God, give me a break, Bones… Bit maybe…"

"What aspect of it?"

"It's okay. I'm fine. I'd be a lousy Starfleet cadet if this spooked me. The worst was the talking-to I received from the facility manager when all those balls spilled out into the corridor… and then the one from the history professor doing the next lesson when I was more than an hour late."

Leonard had started to tuck into his meal, but Jim was only sipping his vitamin boasted soft drink.

"Yeah, you missed three of his lessons this semester already," Leonard added.

Out of the corner of his eyes McCoy saw the other man flinch when he mentioned that. There had been three lessons in a row Kirk had simply not attended to. Although, the rest of the day he had been present and his usual punctual self.

"I didn't _miss_ them. I was excused… _Pike_ excused me. The professor can't have a grudge about that, it was _official_."

"So, the two of you had better things to do. What? Something interesting?"

"We didn't do anything."

"Oh, come on, man. He doesn't excuse you for damn nothing."

Suddenly, Jim stood up, picked up his tray and huffed, "Stop prodding, I am not in the mood."

McCoy was so baffled about the reaction he jumped up to follow him, meal forgotten, only to watch Kirk return the full tray to the recycler and storm out of the mess hall.

Leonard was aware he had done something wrong and returned to his meal trying to figure out what invisible line he had overstepped.

::

In the early evening Leonard returned to their dorm room after lessons, it was dark inside.

He hung up his jacket and passed the room divider when the door closed, leaving him in darkness.

"Computer, lights," he demanded.

And a moment later, he jumped when a voice from the dark room spoke.

"Computer, cancel that! Keep the lights low."

"Computer, lights, twenty percent," McCoy corrected himself and stepped into the dorm, "What the hell, Jim?"

"I have a headache. Darkness and silence is what helps best, so why don't you take your reading stuff and settle down in the library for a change?" Jim said gruffly, while turning away from him, hiding his head under his pillow.

"If you have a migraine we should get you some meds and find out why."

"NO!" Kirk boomed, but then winced, his own loudness caused him obvious pain.

The doctor had planned a quiet night with little homework and fun reading instead, which was _not_ best to be done in a library.

He sighed, maybe one of the common rooms with a fireplace would be a good choice - if he found one where no one was partying.

Obviously, Jim's mood hadn't improved and it would be best to not try to interview him in this state. Chances were high it would backfire, Leonard had tried that often enough in the past.

::

An hour later Leonard had read about six chapters of his new novel, but realized he wasn't able to remember what he was reading about. His thoughts returned to Jim again and again and he couldn't concentrate on the text at all.

Odd things about the other cadet's health issues had piled up since Leonard had moved in with Jim.

Seeing a doctor seemed to be the furthest thing from Kirk's mind whenever a health issue occurred. The option was obviously just not present in his mindset, as if in all his former life no doctors had existed. It was kind of strange, because Jim had claimed he grew up in Iowa.

Other than that he was quite close lipped about his childhood, but McCoy had always assumed it was because it hadn't been a happy one.

His father a dead hero, but Kirk definitely didn't enjoy being the son of a Starfleet legend.

In fact he avoided talking about it whenever possible. Also, there were signs of abuse Leonard had found when he had checked out his best friend in sickbay after the training accident.

For a brief moment, the doctor considered contacting Pike, but decided against it in the end, such actions were reserved for sever issues.

Instead, he returned to their shared dorm room.

He didn't turn on the lights this time, but waited for his eyes to adjust to the darkness for a moment.

All dorm rooms were equipped with wall mounted night lights, which meant it was never completely dark inside.

As silent as possible, Leonard entered the living area and approached his friend's bed.

Before he had even really spotted Jim's silhouette in the dark, he heard the panting.

Kirk's breathing was labored and now and then he was moving restlessly.

For a moment, Leonard stood frozen in the dark, trying to gather as much information as possible.

Kirk's breaths sounded as if forcefully pressed out.

"No!" It was more than a gasp than a spoken word, but it was surprising in silence of the room.

"Computer, lights, ten percent," Leonard muttered, hoping the machine would pick it up.

It became it bit brighter in the room and the doctor immediately spotted the sheen of sweat on his friend's face.

Carefully, he sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Jim? Hey? Are you having a nightmare?" he asked softly.

A moment later he realized the curled up figure was trembling.

"Jim?" he demanded, now in a much firmer tone.

No answer.

He reached out and rested his right on Kirk's upper arm, shaking him slightly.

"Jim?"

That was when he noticed the heat radiating from the other man's body.

"Shit!"

He touched his forehead and then roughly estimated the body temperature had risen to 102 degrees.

Once more he tried to shake his friend awake, but he didn't react.

He needed a damn medical tricorder!

"Jim? I need to get some stuff, stay in bed. I'll be back in no time."

For a moment he again considered calling Pike and asking about that offer to help. The thing was, if he hurried, he'd need 12 minutes to get to Starfleet Medical, then organize what he needed and convince someone to lend it to him, and then 12 minutes back.

But then he opted against it. Pike would not be happy to be disturbed for a bit of a fever. It was 'only' 102, no reason to treat it like an emergency.

It was just that… Leonard felt bad about leaving Kirk alone.

Nevertheless he fetched his jacket and hurried out, leaving the light on at the lowest setting.

::

He was back half an hour later, had made it in record time.

The head nurse had allowed him to take an emergency kit, some over the counter meds and one of the new deluxe medical scanners his department had recently received.

But when he once more passed the room divider, he realized Jim was no longer on his bed.

"Damnit! Lights, 100 percent," he ordered and hastened towards the bathrooms.

The room brightened and Leonard noticed the head smelled sweaty, but it was empty, as was the shower room.

When he let his gaze run over the room,  to spot anything that might hint at where Kirk had gone, they came to rest on the slightly open doors of Jim's walk-in closed.  A corner of one of their Starfleet issued duvets was hanging out, stuck in between the doors.

"What the…?"

Leonard carefully opened the door and found his friend curled up in the almost empty closet. Just a few cadet uniforms where hanging above his head. Jim hadn't brought anything with him when he joined Starfleet.

Cursing, he knelt down beside him.

"Jim?"

Carefully, the doctor felt for his friend's pulse, it was way too fast, and his skin felt even hotter than before. The shaking had also gotten worse.

Within a few seconds, Leonard fetched the medical tricorder from the kit and scanned Jim, who remained completely oblivious to the ministrations.

The fever had climbed up to 103 degrees.

McCoy readied a hypo with some fever-medicine he hoped wouldn't cause an allergic reaction. He chose one with almost no additives or conservatives, usually used for children.

Thing was, Jim was still wearing his uniform… and was rolled up so tight, he couldn't reach his neck or any other spot to inject it directly into the blood stream. Of course he could give it intramuscularly, but it would take five times longer to take effect.

"Jim? Hey? Come on, you need to wake up for a minute and get out of there," Leonard addressed his friend, shaking his knee.

When there was no reaction, except a few low moans, the doctor decided to just carefully drag him out of there. Luckily, the smoothness of the flooring would allow him to do so.

With slow movements he started to manhandle his friend into the right position to pull him out without hurting him.

But he had just folded up his arms against his chest and started to pull, when Kirk suddenly jerked away from the touch.

"No," Jim moaned.

"Hey, there you are. Come on, we need to get you back to bed."

Jim started to frantically shake his head and recoiled until his back hit the backplane of the small room.

"Easy there… Hey?" Leonard tried to get him back to reality by talking.

"Where are they? What did you do to them?" Jim slurred.

"What? Who are _them_?"

There was no answer and Leonard realized that Jim's eyes weren't even open.

"You can get out of there, now. There is no danger. We are safe," Leonard continued to speak.

Once more he carefully started to pull Jim out, but once more, the other man resisted.

"Nononono," he panicked. "It's almost time, the guards are doing their rounds, they will be here soon. We need to stay hidden and silent."

Kirk's speech was hard to understand, muffled and sluggish.

In the dim light McCoy saw that now Kirk's eyes were open a bit, but they weren't focusing.

So he moved back enough towards the door to fetch his hypo and then returned to his friend's side.

At least Jim wasn't curled up any more, he now lay almost flat, in a prone position, which exposed this neck.

As fast as he could, Leonard injected him with the fever reducer. But he needn't have worried, Jim didn't react to the hypospray at all.

The lack of a reaction made McCoy finally realize Jim was not really with him. But he had guessed that from the moment he found him in the closet.

"Thomas?" Jim huffed a few moments later, sounding panicked.

Had Kirk ever mentioned a Thomas before?

Leonard tried to remember.

"It's alright. He's fine," he tried to soothe.

A few moments later, Kirk relaxed and seemed to fall back into sleep. His breathing evened out and his features lost the pained expression.

Leonard watched him for a few minutes, then used the medical scanner.

It showed a fever, a flu in full bloom, lack of fluids and a quite low blood sugar, which he immediately treated with a low dose of the proper medication stored in the kit.

The scanner also showed, that Jim was heading towards deep sleep.

McCoy relaxed a bit and tried to plan how to proceed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * In the TOS Episode 'Shore Leave' the crew finds a 'vacation-planet' that creates things from people's thoughts (which they only understand a lot later) and an obnoxious guy appears who is described as one of Kirk's nightmarish classmates from the academy, who did a lot of pranks on Kirk that went beyond funny at times. 
> 
> :  
> A/N: Some feedback would be wonderful.


	6. Academy days 2 - Fever (Part 2 of 4)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim suffers from a fever and reveals details of his issues to his best friend, who is shocked about what he learns.

 

McCoy crawled out of the small walk in closet and prepared the room for getting Jim back to bed. He'd make a second try to pull his friend out of his hiding place once he was sure he was settled in deep sleep. If needed sedation was the last option, but he couldn't let him in there, it would only worsen the whole thing if Jim woke up and switched right back into the nightmare. Leonard wanted him out of that, physically and mentally.

Needing to do something useful, he wetted a few small towels and put them in a bowl on the nightstand, then fetched some sweet tea from the common room's food synthesizer.

Ten minutes later, he decided to give it another try.

This time he was successful and pulled Jim out of the closet without the other man even waking up, which he had hoped for on one hand, but which also worried him to no end. This was not normal. Jim was an annoyingly light sleeper.

The training for 'evacuating unconscious patients Leonard had a few month ago paid off when he managed to get Kirk up from the ground and onto the bed without incident or hurting his own back.

Now, he finally had the chance to examine him thoroughly.

The fever hadn't distinctly lowered, yet and the doctor started to get Kirk out of his uniform trousers.

It was quite a bit of work and he briefly considered cutting them off, but then decided against it when Jim just slept through it all.

He must have been utterly exhausted.

Nevertheless Leonard checked his vital repeatedly to make sure nothing more serious was happening. The total lack of reaction was alarming.

While working, the words Kirk had said earlier kept running through Leonard's mind.

What guards had Jim hidden from?

And who was Thomas?

Was it a dream or a hallucination?

Or a memory?

Leonard was aware that Jim was not an innocent and had probably done quite a few illegal things in his life, nothing major, but small things. The doctor wouldn't be surprised if he heard about trespassing or something similar in his teenage years… or maybe even recently.

Kirk had in fact admitted to him he had broken into the shipyard vicinity where they built the constitution class ships. Apparently, he had watched the construction work all night and then decided to join Starfleet.

Something must have happened while he did so, but he hadn't opened up about it to Leonard.

But the fact that Jim had left his old life behind without looking back said a lot about how that life had been. He hadn't even packed anything to bring with him, which must have been a first for Starfleet. Not that a cadet needed anything that wasn't provided by the Academy… at least nothing vital and needed for work.

Leonard continued to monitor his friend's vitals but was overall glad he slept on peacefully.

 

Half an hour later McCoy found he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer, it was passed one o'clock and he had had a busy day even before this mess started. He lay down on his own bed – now dressed in comfy sweats - and tried to relax.

Kirk's condition was in no way dangerous so he programmed the tricorder to give an alarm once his vitals moved out of a certain range, then lowered the light.

 

Leonard jerked awake what felt like only seconds later.

Odd noises were filling the room and it took him a moment to realize what had woken him.

Jim seemed to be struggling with some unseen enemy.

"No," he moaned.

"Jim?"

"Thomas? Where 're you?" Kirk's speech was so slurred he was hard to understand.

"Hey, man. It's okay. Calm down."

As slowly as he deemed safe, the doctor moved over to the other bed.

"Tho'as?" Jim's voice was getting more desperate.

"We're okay, Jim. Thomas is…" Leonard tried to say, but was interrupted.

"His man will look for us. They'll know we stole some food," the mumbled words took a moment to be understood by McCoy's tired mind.

"What? What the hell are you talking about?"

"The guards are on their way. Kodos' men're dangerous. They'll kill any'ody they don't recognize," Jim stuttered into his pillow.

And McCoy froze.

Had he heard the name right?

Kodos?

Was Jim having a fever dream about one of the cruelest governors of the century?

Gently, he tried to get a temperature reading and cursed when Kirk's fever had risen an entire degree instead of lowering.

Leonard tried to roll his friend onto his back in order to place some cold wet towels on him.

But Kirk resisted, struggled clumsily against the touch.

"Hey, don't… Just let me…" McCoy tried to coo him into compliance, "Come on, man. We need to get that damn temperature of yours down a bit."

The doctor decided this had gone long enough and he needed to bring that fever down.

Now.

So he loaded the hypo with a fast acting medication, risking a reaction, but he had little other choice. It was either this or calling medical, which would probably make this a fiasco on a psychological level.

Leonard reached out and pressed the injector against Kirk's neck. The moment it started hissing Jim started to flail and try to shove him away.

Even out of it like this Kirk noticed on which side of the bed his opponent was, so he rolled off on the other side.

"Damnit!"

McCoy hurried around the bed to help his friend up, who was on his back on the ground,  trembling.

"No!... Don't hurt them!" Kirk started to kick.

"I will not hurt…"

"Don't!" Jim's moaning had turned into yelling and the doctor realized that only very tiny fragments of the real situation actually reached Kirk's mind.

He kept his distance and gave Jim some space.

This must be a fever dream.

Those could be quite alarming and horrifying, Leonard had experienced them himself once and was deeply unsettled by the experience. The memories of it had tormented him for weeks. It had been awful and haunting. He knew it was a state of mind so unsettling it left many people devastated.

"Jim… You're dreaming. This is _not_ real. We are safe and sound in our dorm room. Come on, wake up for me. You'd feel so much better if you wake up."

McCoy was aware it was nonsense.

"Oh God," Jim moaned, and his aggressive behavior suddenly vanished again.

Instead of kicking for an invisible enemy he awkwardly rolled onto his hands and knees, then retreated into the corner under his shelf, legs outstretched and leaning on both arms heavily, hands flat on the ground.

Jim's vacant eyes told him all he needed to know about his friend's distress.

Once more the doctor used his scanner to check Kirk's vitals and temperature.

The fever had gone down 0,2 degrees.

"I know those dreams are vivid, but they are _dreams_ , they can't hurt you now," Leonard tried his most soothing voice.

"Oh God, she's dead!… She's dead… Thomas…" Jim lifted his knees up and hid his face on them, covering the back of his head with his hands.

"How did she die, Jim?" Leonard abandoned to try to bring Kirk back and ignore what he was experiencing. Maybe something would get through to him if he reacted in Jim's mind.

When the other man just trembled he raised his voice.

"How did she die?" he asked again.

"Starved. She was just so weak yesterday. I couldn't find anything to eat," Jim chocked.

Leonard was shocked by the realism the dream seemed to have.

"It's my fault… I should've done better… my fault."

"This is not your fault, kid. She starved, for God's sake, that is _not_ your fault."

"My fault, Bones…" Jim whispered and McCoy's eyes opened wide in surprise.

His friend was aware enough to recognize him.

"It's alright, Jim. You did your best," he knelt down in front of Kirk but hesitated to touch him.

"No. I should've done better."

"Who was she?" Leonard asked, feeling cold and unsettled about the fact that they might actually discuss a memory. But with all his heart he hoped Jim would later tell him it was just a weird dream, that it was not true.

"Laura… Haywood, she was two years younger than me," Jim elaborated, much to Leonard's surprise, but his voice was shaking.

"How old was she?"

"Eleven."

McCoy sucked in his breath between clenched teeth, finally sure this was _not_ a fever dream.

Then he understood and all the pieces fell in place.

Starvation, Kodos, trauma, patrolling guards, dissociation.

Tarsus IV.

McCoy closed his eyes, covered his open lips with his hand to keep in whatever sound of horror threatened to come out.

He was glad Jim wasn't looking at him, was still hiding his face. Because now tears were collecting in his own eyes, brought there by understanding what torment exactly was the cause of Jim's issues.

For what must have been at least two or three minutes, Leonard remained frozen, his thoughts racing.

How could this have happened?

Why had Kirk ended up on Tarsus?

McCoy felt sick and disoriented.

Why hadn't Jim told him?

What was he supposed to do now?

How could he help his friend?

What brought him back was the sound of movement and he opened his eyes right in time to see Kirk sag towards the side.

"Hey, hey," he reached out and stabilized his friend.

"Bones?"

Jim's head lolled sideways and revealed a very pale face with reddened eyes.

"I'm here, Jim."

"What are you doing here?"

"I live here. Our dorm room, remember?"

"Oh."

"Come on, let's get you off the ground."

"I don't feel so good." Jim reached out with trembling hands to hoist himself up on the bed.

"I know, kid. I know. But your fever is dropping and you will feel better soon."

Carefully, Leonard helped him stand up and sit on the edge of the bed.

Jim was trying to catch his breath, the movement had left him panting slightly, and in the meantime McCoy pulled out his scanner and examined him again.

Kirk froze and stared at it as if it was a weapon.

"Jim, can you please tell me why medical equipment is giving you a hard time?" Leonard didn't really expect an answer. He had asked this question often enough to know chances were very slim to get one – except for an unnerved 'piss off' of course.

"When the food started to get rationed, some people vanished… others suddenly died after visiting a doctor," Jim said in a small voice, his head lowered, and with his breath caught Leonard listened.

"It was a rumor at first, something people only talked about behind closed doors… Then we learned slowly that some feared it was clear a colony this size could not survive on the stored goods. At first they were laughed at - conspiracy theories, nothing more… But more and more people died at hospitals, mostly elderly and children who were either too young or too old to work. Doctor's offices and hospitals became places people feared."

"Oh god," Leonard now understood. "How old were you?"

"Thirteen," Jim whispered.

McCoy was actually amazed his questions were answered. And not just with a single syllable, but with explanations and facts. Kirk jumped right into details without explaining the general situation, probably because it was too hard.

Jim's trembling was getting worse, though.

No wonder the kid panicked when confronted with scrubs and medical equipment, he probably even hated himself for it because his sense and sanity told him it was nonsense when his subconsciousness ran wild, but he couldn't stop it.

"You are kind of hyperglycemic. You haven't eaten all day, have you?"

Jim shook his head and McCoy was sure somehow hunger had added to what have caused this episode.

The body remembered such things. Intense hunger over a prolonged period of time changed how the body reacted to missed meals.

The cup of sweet tea was still on the nightstand and Leonard fetched it, offered it to Jim.

But his friend shook his head.

"Come on, kid, you need some nourishment."

"I feel sick."

"I know."

McCoy fetched the hypo and loaded it with three different medications but kept his distance, then adjusted it to release the right doses.

"This is an antiemetic, something to treat that low blood sugar and something for your flu - some good old fashioned paracetamol. It will help with the pain a bit, too."

He held out the hypospray, fully aware that Kirk might freak out again.

It was a risk, but his hope was to do something that might enable them to work though this. Something to heighten his trust and allow treatment to go easier.

"Take it."

Kirk stared at the obnoxious object in his outstretched hand, looking shell-shocked.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Bit nervous about this chapter.  
> I'd love to hear what you think.


	7. Academy days 2 - Fever (Part 3 of 4)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim trusts McCoy.

 

"Take it."

For a very long moment, Kirk hesitated, then he reached out a badly shaking hand and took the hypospray from Leonard's flat open hand.

"Good. Take your time. Look at it. Don't press any buttons, just get familiar with it. You know what's inside."

Very slowly, Jim turned the device in his hands, looking at it from all angles, even holding it closer to the light to inspect the tip that pushed the medications under the skin or into blood vessels if needed.

"Do you trust me?"

Frowning and without looking up, Jim nodded.

"Think you can administer it yourself if I tell you how?"

At first Kirk tensed up and he paled further, but then he lifted the hypospray again to look at it. He was no coward, that much Leonard knew, and he also knew the kid trusted him. But the latter would not help to prevent another panic attack.

Kirk was a person who'd do what he wanted or what was needed, worrying about the consequences later. Therefore Leonard was a bit afraid he might make it worse instead of taking care of himself.

When Jim wanted something, self-protection took a vacation. So the risk here was to find the best path, the responsibility for that was in Leonard's hands since Jim was in no state to make a proper decision.

"It will make you feel a lot better. And I made sure there is nothing in there that is in danger to cause allergic reactions…"

"When the Federation finally came with ships to bring supplies and treat the survivors, we were afraid of them and their medical equipment.  We feared they were sent to kill the rest of us. They didn't give us food at fist and it made the survivors suspicious. They tried to convince us they only wanted to help… but they didn't give out food. I couldn't run any longer, I was too weak. They caught me… and gave me what they said was _medicine_ , against my will."

Jim's breathing sped up and McCoy's heart ached, nausea rose again when it dawned on him what must have happened next.

He slowly sat down on the foot end of the bed.

His friend's head was hanging low again and Leonard thought he saw a tear fall and land on Jim's wrist.

He reached out and from the distance, started with slowly resting his hand on Jim's back, then, when no bad reaction came, he moved it up and down, the only comfort he could give at the moment, besides listening.

"It made me sick… and I… I almost died from the stuff that I was told would help me. I fought them, they restrained me, in the end it became so bad they intubated me."

McCoy gulped, trauma topped with even more trauma.

No wonder Kirk freaked out every time, especially since the danger of allergic reactions was still very real.

"I…" Jim's voice caught and he clutched the hypospray hard.

Leonard was speechless, had no idea what to say for a moment. There were just no words that could make experiences like this any better.

No wonder Kirk had trust issues.

"Will this knock me out?" Jim asked.

"No. But once your discomfort lessens and the adrenaline wears off, you'll probably feel the exhaustion catch up with you."

"Okay…" Jim sounded almost disappointed and tried to stifle a cough.

After a few moments of silence, in which Leonard retreated his hand, realizing Jim needed a moment, his friend finally raised the hypo.

"So, how do I do this?"

Leonard decided intramuscular would take ages to take effect, but also, self-injecting into the neck and not miss the vein would be too much of a challenge right now.

Lower arm, then.

Kirk was still wearing his t-shirt undershirt and his arms were bare.

"Rest your arm on your lap. Yeah, like that."

"Now, there are veins, the blue blood vessels, you see any? Pick the biggest, the one you can see best."

Kirk stared at his arm, then turned towards the light on his nightstand a bit to see better.

Which made McCoy see less, since Jim's back was now turned.

Maybe the kid needed a bit more privacy. McCoy didn't move.

"Press the nozzle over the vein, no need to place it overly precise, the hypospray will adjust."

"Okay."

"So, there's a large green button, the only _green_ one, press it."

McCoy heard the faint high pitched sound that signaled the hypospray was getting ready.

"Put your finger on top of the plunger, it's inside the guide rail… thing," he tried to explain in easy terms.

"If you press down, be sure there is no gap between your skin and the nozzle. Add a bit more pressure on the whole thing, aiming downwards while you push. It will only trigger the release if the tip registers a certain amount of pressure; it's a safety thing, to prevent accidental injecting. Be aware that when you inject yourself, it will make a clicking and hissing sound, it might be louder than you expect."

Kirk took a deep breath, Leonard saw his chest expand.

Then he pressed the plunger down.

He flinched when the apparatus released the medication, but other than that, it seemed to have worked.

McCoy saw his friend relax.

"Alright?"

Jim nodded but didn't turn around.

"You should feel it start to work within a few minutes," the doctor stood up and once more fetched the tea, trying to use it to swallow down his own nausea that plagued him after the revelations.

The past hours were kind of a shock for him, too. He was coiled up and running with adrenaline as well, as he now realized. He winced, the tea was way too sweet for his liking, and by now it was cold.

Jim allowed himself to sink sideways into his pillow, and a few moments later he lifted his legs onto the bed and curled up, still with his back to McCoy.

The doctor waited a few minutes, sipping the tea and observing his friend.

Then he slowly fetched the duvet from the closet and covered Jim before he once more went around the bed to be able to look at his face.

Jim's eyes were closed, and his right still clutched the hypospray.

Almost immediately, Jim tried to shove away the blanket Leonard had just placed over him.

"Cold," he complained.

"Then why do you shove away the blanket? You're having a fever. Just relax. You'll feel much better soon." He didn't say that another reason might be the strain of what they had just accomplished, which was a profound step towards dealing with Jim's traumatic issues right in the middle of a crisis.

Kirk was strong and didn't falter when challenged, not even with topics that left him as vulnerable as this. He was in fact trying to handle his fears, better than Leonard had thought in the beginning. With a trauma this profound his friend was coping well overall. The doctor would have never guessed it was something this severe and life-changing. Also he was a master at hiding the few things. Only a person who knew him well was able to spot this.

"Hmm," Kirk responded, a bit delayed.

As silent as possible, Leonard put on his pajamas.

Jim's breathing evened out a few minutes later and once the doctor was sure his friend had slipped into sleep, he scanned him again.

Blood pressure was still a bit high and the fever was still the same. Some medicine for that developing cough would be good in the morning, and a good meal.

Leonard lowered the lights and climbed into his bed, then set his pad to wake him in two hours.

 

The pad wasn't what woke him what felt like only minutes later.

It was Jim moaning in his sleep and moving around in his bed.

McCoy brightened the lights, stood up and sat down on the edge of the bed next to his friend.

Carefully, he felt for Jim's pulse and his forehead to get him temperature. He had opted for using his hands instead of a scanner, the effects of a friendly touch on a suffering person had been proven scientifically years ago, especially when mental distress was involved.

Kirk was agitated, but didn't wake up. 

With great relief the doctor noticed that Jim had started sweating, which meant the fever had broken.

It took some time until Leonard fell back asleep, the horrible new about Tarsus IV running wild in his head, and Jim continued to make agitated noises in his sleep, which didn't help McCoy relax either.

 

The doctor was woken when something hit his face. He sat up, mildly panicking and pulled the fabric away.

"Shit! Get up Bones! We are late for class!... Very late!"

McCoy's eyes needed a moment to focus on the clock, and then he scrambled out of bed. He had only slept three hours and when he watched Jim hastily put on his uniform, he saw his friend looked as if about to keel over any moment.

"Jim, maybe, you should stay in bed? Let me call this in as a sick day."

"What? No!... Why?"

"Fever, remember?"

Right on spot Kirk coughed but seemed puzzled about his friend's remark.

"You know after last night… maybe you should get a break… and we should talk about it."

Kirk frowned even more, then shook his head viciously.

"There is nothing to talk about. I am fine!"

Leonard blew out air in exasperation how to approach the topic. Jim seemed to be as stubborn about it as before.

The first class of the morning was 'negotiating and de-escalating techniques in diplomatic settings'. They had it together, but for the second they had to split up, Leonard headed to Starfleet medical and Jim to the command lessons areas.

 

McCoy was in the middle of an 'andorrian anatomy' lesson in one of the anatomy theaters when suddenly Christopher Pike appeared and gestured him to follow him out.

The doctor's alarms started to ring immediately.

"What happened to Kirk?" Pike started without introduction as soon as they were in the hallway.

"Is he alright?" Leonard asked to see what made the captain ask this. He was not sure how good informed of Jim's issues the man was, although he was not completely clueless Leonard was not ready to share anything about last night with him.

"He looks like death warmed over and usually this is a sign that he had a really rough night… Not the kind of hangover I mean. So, what happened?"

"Sir, with all due respect but I am not sure… this might be confidential and I'm not sure in which way I am allowed to talk about this."

"Alright, he seems kind of under the weather. Did he injure himself in that lab incident?"

Leonard raised his eyebrows, still not sure how much to reveal.

"Yes, then? Alright. He probably is not talking to you about it, so… Just take care of him. You are friends enough for that, aren't you?"

"Yes, sir."

"Does he need medical leave?"

"I'm not sure that would be the wisest option."

"It's okay that you are trying to be discreet, but there are moments he needs a direct approach, no nonsense, no kid gloves. If he needs treatment, then treat him. Don't be forceful or too careful. If you _really_ are a good friend, then just ignore his protests, he will forgive you. If not, it might damage your friendship. Depends on how much he trusts you if he'll let you get away with it."

"I guess we kind of did that last night."

"Good. I know this is not what a doctor hopes to hear, but overall there is a good rule: either treat him with cautious TLC or watch him hurt. If it is not life threatening it's probably not worth it."

"Yes, Sir."

"If you decide to 'borrow' a few instruments for the night and get caught, I will back you up."

"What?"

Leonard had the feeling he was missing more than one step in this conversation. They had dived right into something deep and the doctor feared he was missing the point.

Was that man really suggesting what McCoy though he did?

He knew Kirk was not too fond of regulations but Pike had no such reputation and was a very well-esteemed Starfleet representative.

"You do realize you will not be able to make him go down to medical? Not as long as he is conscious. So you have to bring medical to him. Be aware that he will not thank you for that."

"Right."

"Oh, I see. From your close-lipped behavior this must be bad. Not just an injury then. Did he have a flashback or some other kind of serious panic attack?"

Leonard felt trapped and unmasked, "I… Sir?"

"Sorry. I don't mean to ask what you don't want to share. Just… when you can't handle it, don't hesitate to call me. I've seen it. I know what he's been through and believe me I know how bad it can get. So, you are not alone in this with him. Call me if you need to, son."

McCoy hesitated for a moment, then nodded.

"Thank you, sir."

"Is he pissed at you for having seen him like this? If he is, tell him he has no right and don't let that get to you."

"I don't know, he kind of ignored _it_ this morning."

Pike sighed, "Yeah, well, that's his standard approach. Good luck."

McCoy stared after Pike who left him standing there.

Of all the possible outcomes of this conversation this had not been one he had expected.

So Pike knew, but he didn't know how much Leonard knew and had been careful to not reveal anything himself.

McCoy was still a bit shocked about it all. This new fact was reassuring, though. He was not the only one aware of the issues and had someone to maybe ask for advice about this, someone Kirk trusted, and someone who provided protection and help.

This changed nothing about the fact that Leonard would need to check Kirk out sooner or later and that their next meeting would be awkward. Jim would not be fond of him if what Pike had said was true.

Leonard was tired and out of ideas and he burrowed his face in his hands.

Then he finally understood Pike must be worried, too. The offer to back him up was kind of a very trusty blank check from somebody he had barely met before.

Were Pike and Kirk way closer than he had thought?

He'd need to fetch some cough medicine and check on Kirk no matter what the other man thought of that.

Also, Leonard decided he'd read about Tarsus IV in detail to be prepared, to be aware what the survivors had been put through before and after the rescue.

Into battle then.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'd love to hear what you think.


	8. Academy days 2 - Fever (Part 4 of 4)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> McCoy is worried when Jim doesn't come home.

When Leonard came back to their room in the evening, Kirk wasn't there. The doctor used the solitude to call up his notes and the literature he had collected in the Starfleet History lessons about Tarsus IV a few months ago.

While going through them he suddenly realized that Jim had missed all of them. The day before, his friend had claimed he had been excused by Pike – on every single one of them it seemed.

The insight made Leonard start to feel sick again. He had felt queasy all day, his thoughts returning again and again to the past night and what his best friend had been through.

Leonard spent the following three hours rereading the material he had at hand. Twice, he needed to take a break and get a coffee to settle his nerves again.

Imagining his friend as a child in all this horror was difficult to handle.

With growing worry, he also noted that Kirk hadn't been 'home' all day.

He checked Jim's schedule and his last lesson had ended around 1730.

After hesitating for a long time Leonard finally sent his friend a message, asking if he wanted to go have a drink later.

During the day Leonard had decided that he needed to be careful to avoid putting pressure on Jim - or giving him the impression he was observing him or monitoring him.

Now he feared that those were probably the reasons why Kirk hadn't shown up yet.

Or maybe he was ashamed - or was having another episode.

Leonard cursed silently when he realized he was driving himself into a heightened state of worry.

He waited another difficult hour, filled with browsing the additional picture archives of Tarsus IV, but except horrible images of piled up bodies - that reminded him of the holocaust – and rotting crops there was nothing that showed any hint that Kirk had been there. Seeing it all in living color only worsened McCoy's mood.

Obviously, somebody had carefully made sure there was not even one picture of Jim Kirk in the archive. However, it seemed he was not the only one whose pictures were missing.

There were pictures of dead children, but none of the small group of kids that had been reported to have survived.

Probably for the reason to protect them and give them a chance to have a normal life.

It was half past one when Kirk finally came home - or better stumbled into their dormitory room.

He tried to hide it, but it was immediately clear to Leonard that he was drunk.

With an exhausted sigh, the doctor stood up and blocked Jim's way.

"Gee, Jim, where have you been?"

"Out. With Pike."

"What?"

It was the last thing McCoy had expected.

"Yeah. Intercepted me at the gym, where I was trying to get rid of a bit of built up energy."

"Really? That's what you call it? I was worried sick, you know that?"

"Yeah. Sorry."

"You don't sound sorry, you sound wasted."

"I am. Pike kicked my ass," Jim brushed past him and headed towards their bathroom.

"What?"

"You heard me."

"I did. What the hell did you do? Cut his class?"

"NO!"

While Jim brushed his teeth Leonard tried to find out what had happened, but was ignored.

Kirk returned to his bed a few minutes later and sat down to remove his shoes.

So, Leonard went into the bathroom, no longer expecting to get an answer.

When he came back, Jim was standing in front of his open walk-in closet, his hand still on the doorknobs.

He was staring at the spot he had used to hide last night, as if in trance.

Leonard realized immediately that he must be of caught in the memory of last night – or overwhelmed by it.

"Jim?"

There was no reaction.

"Jim?" he repeated and carefully put his hand on his best friend's shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Bones," came the hoarse reply.

Leonard was extremely grateful that he got an answer at all.

For a moment, he feared Kirk was having another episode, triggered by what he remembered.

"Don't be. It's okay. The only thing not okay is- " Leonard started, but was then interrupted by Jim coughing.

"Pike kicked my ass for being a chickenshit," Jim explained ruefully. "He is probably right, I am kind of a loser. Before I joined Starfleet there was nothing good in my life. It's just that no one here has yet noticed what a jerk I am."

"So, you got drunk with him or after he talked to you?"

"He stayed and we both got drunk."

Leonard rolled his eyes, sure Pike had tried to send a different message, but Kirk's current mindset had interpreted it the way he thought about himself. McCoy was very certain Pike had criticized something, but Jim must have gotten it wrong.

"I spent last night in there, didn't I?" Jim asked.

Leonard had feared his friend might not remember it all, but the question made him realize it must be more diffuse than he had thought.

"You had a flashback. You re-experienced a traumatizing event. And while doing so, you did the sensible thing to stay alive and take cover."

"I am a coward."

"Man, you were a child. You were not a coward. Not back then and not now. You helped to save other lives. What you accomplished was great. Don't think for one minute that you are a loser."

"I should have done more. I should have-"

"Stop!" Leonard ordered and pushed the door shut, then grabbed Jim's upper arm carefully and pushed him back towards the bed.

"You really think Pike called you a coward for what happened on Tarsus IV?"

"He used the word coward." Jim's words were interrupted by more coughing.

"Maybe, but I don't think in the context of what happened there. You were a brave and strong kid, Jim. Nothing wrong about that. But if you call yourself a loser even one time more, than I am gonna kick your ass for that, too!"

Jim tried to stand up again, but Leonard held him in place. Now noticing for the first time that the other man was still a bit warm.

"The only part where I think you are a jerk is the part about not trusting me… or him - when you are in a situation in which it should be clear that you need help. But to be honest, with your background I get why you can't. This is the only thing you need to work on. Trust us! You have the right to have a bad day and feel like shit. It is not your fault when those events catch up with you."

"I am too weak to handle stupid memories and get drunk instead of biting the bullet and get through with things."

"For god's sake, Jim! Do you actually understand that trusting people is not a weakness? Actually, I hate to say this, but if you want a command, you need to rely on people. If you don't trust them to do their job you won't be a good captain. And you can't just trust them halfway, you need to know they have your back and rely on them! You need to show your confidence in them. If you can't it will end bad for all involved."

Leonard saw Kirk's jaw muscles work.

It was probably a truth he was trying to ignore.

"I can't appear to be weak if I want to be a leader. A crew won't trust me to lead them if I show my inabilities."

"Hell, you can't operate a whole starship on your own and just have the crew be useless bystanders. That's _not_ how it works."

"Don't be ridiculous, I know that."

"Then start to act by it."

"That's different."

"No, it isn't. A captain needs a crew he can rely on. They won't trust him if he doesn't trust them. You did take part in the command psychology lessons, didn't you?"

Kirk remained silent, then had to stifle another cough.

"You know, to show a little 'not perfect' now and then is even necessary to demonstrate to the crew you are human. It will result in even more faith."

"But not with an issue like this!"

"Well, yeah. Right. But this is not the point. The point is that you are not weak and that you need to learn to accept help."

Jim just gave a disbelieving and disgusted huff that reminded Leonard a bit of his daughter when she was told she wanted something she couldn't have.

But in contrast to his daughter Leonard decided to use a bit more gentle physical force.

He grabbed Jim by the shoulders, feeling an intense urge to shake some sense into him.

"This has nothing to do with being a jerk. This is a medical condition. Trauma is nothing you can decide to be brave about. If you break a leg, deciding it is not broken will not help. It will make things worse."

To Leonard's surprise, his friend didn't fight his touch, nor was he angry.

But then, he gave a sarcastic laugh and Leonard realized that this was exactly how Jim handled physical injuries.

"I am a loser bones. And you just need to remember my reactions to medical treatment and you have to admit I am chickenshit," Kirk muttered ruefully, still with a slight slur in his voice, not meeting his eyes.

"Damnit Jim! This is absolute bullshit! How often – in the past five years – did you have an episode like last night?"

After a very long moment of silence, in which Leonard saw how his friend struggled with himself, Kirk finally answered.

"This was the second."

"Alright. Since you haven't had an attack like this often in the recent past, you are probably not aware that there must be a trigger somewhere. I mean I have seen you gloomy on dates that reminded you of the Tarsus events, although you didn't tell me I now in hindsight can put together the pieces."

Jim suddenly broke free from his grip and slid out of his reach towards the head of the bed. He looked defeated and pale, and coughed a bit more.

"You know those episodes are usually triggered _somehow_. It is possible to learn to manage those triggers to a certain degree. And also there is an easy to do therapy to reprogram your brain. Nothing invasive, not even with medical machines involved. This _can_ be treated, you just have to trust somebody to do this."

"There were several little things. The first was Finnegan," Jim muttered, suddenly even paler. At first McCoy didn't get what he meant, but then Kirk continued, "Not he himself, but the training chamber for foreign environments."

"That's what triggered you?... Shit… Finnegan's an asshole by the way… Do you know what aspect of it stressed you?"

Kirk remained silent for a moment.

"Jim? Talk to me!" McCoy urged gently.

"These ball things, they kind of rendered me unable to move, it was really cold and…"

"… and you felt trapped."

"Restrained… It kind of started a chain reaction."

"God, Jim…. What happened on Tar-…? No, don't answer that, it might trigger you again."

Kirk rolled his eyes; at least he had that much humor left.

"But there is no way around it," McCoy continued. "If you really want to be a captain you need to be aware that in this job something similar might happen again. In the line of duty a captain might get trapped and you need to be able to keep you head in case that happens."

Jim didn't meet his gaze, he only looked defeated and desperate.

The doctor went to get the cough medicine and the med kit he had brought home.

First he held out the pills and a bottle of water.

Jim accepted them and washed them down without even thinking about it, which Leonard realized was a proof of trust. On the other hand, Jim had probably taken loads of pills when self-medicating after an injury.

Then Leonard held out his scanner, offered it to Jim.

"I need a temperature reading, you look worse than this morning."

"Go ahead," Jim didn't take the device this time, instead, he pulled of his boots and curled up in his bed.

Leonard frowned, medical equipment had provoked odd reactions in the past and was another trigger. This seemed to be Kirk trying to keep his cool by force of will, which was not a good idea. It had the bad aftertaste of self-punishment.

Nevertheless, for the moment the doctor let it go and just scanned his friend.

Kirk's pulse was elevated and his life signs showed a lot more agitation than was visible on the outside.

Jim Kirk was a good actor, way too good.

"You are not weak, Jim. In fact you are an exceptionally strong person. The only thing you deserved to be kicked for is not getting this treated. After all the things you've been through, you will manage this, too. You will be a great captain and don't let this obstacle be in your way any longer. You can't solve every problem by going to a bar, drinking yourself into a stupor or getting into a fight."

"God, give me a break, Bones," Jim complained and Leonard decided to let him sleep.

 

 

McCoy had hoped that he had directed Kirk into the right direction, but whenever he tried to convince Jim to make an appointment for treatment sessions in the following weeks, his friend vehemently refused.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'd love to hear what you think.


End file.
